I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
