Will you blow on my dice?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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