i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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