It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
