he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
