I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
