The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
