Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
