I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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