I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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