Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
