I accidentally had phone sex last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
