You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
