Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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