i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
