I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
