You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
