No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
