i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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