I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
