Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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