It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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