i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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