the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
