You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
