I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
