I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
bring money and cleavage
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't deserve a penis
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
