turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
