Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
