I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
