Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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