We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i love accidental penises.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
