I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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