3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
