I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
