What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
