I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
