After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What a dumb baby whore.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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