i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
