Got a toothbrush?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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