I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
