i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
