i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
