Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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