what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
