ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
