Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
