ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
