Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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