I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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